I'm Not Perfect

Dear Prince Charming,

I hope you know that I'm not perfect. Sure, I'm beautiful, talented, optimistic, and an overall pretty good person... But I have flaws, too. Just like everyone else.

For example:
I'm defensive. I'm working on not jumping into the defensive mode as quickly. But if someone brings something up, like, say, I'm too young to get married, my first reaction is generally to defend myself. Like they're attacking me about it. Which, really, usually they aren't. I need to work on that.

I'm explain-y. It almost goes hand in hand with the defensive. Sometimes when I respond/apologize, I don't just leave it off where it should. I go into depth where it's not really needed. I'm trying to work on this too.

I'm critical of myself. I'm too hard on myself sometimes, beat myself up over small things that I should let go more easily. Something I could wave away as insignificant in another person I constantly nag at myself for.

I push people away sometimes. I'm stubborn, don't accept gifts very well usually (I'm beginning to learn this may not be as big of a problem with you, but I don't like lots of money being spent on me. Especially when I know finances should be going elsewhere), I get impatient sometimes, and there are definitely times that I have to hold my temper in. I'm also forgetful, easily distracted, sometimes clutter-y, sometimes klutzy, I don't read my scriptures or pray quite as often as I should, I'm a little TOO optimistic sometimes, I feel inadequate for all of the things I have before me, and sometimes I could use just a little more faith.

My biggest concern is how similar I am to my mom. While this is GREAT in many instances, there are a few attributes I don't want to carry on. Learning how to break cycles in a family is difficult, though, so I will fail along the way. I just hope that you will be patient with me, forgive me, and find nice ways to tell me when I need to work on something.

See, I don't admire many of those traits in myself. So I am trying to work on them. But when you're learning how to develop positive traits in place of the negative,  you struggle at first. I'm working towards Eternal Progression.

I don't expect you to be perfect, so I sure hope you'll be patient & tolerant with me. As long as we work together, we can do this.

Love Always,
Your Princess
A Damsel with Flaws

My Greatest Fear

I saw a YouTube video today that my mom shared, and it reflected my greatest fear and my greatest hope. It talked about how a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. It showed a man packing his things and leaving his wife and daughters. Then it rewound and showed him looking at a computer screen, suggesting that he had just come across pornography. The screen split and showed two decisions made in that moment. In one, he shut the laptop and left the room. In the other, he closed the laptop then, pausing, shut the door and opened it again.

Then, the screens continuing to be split, it showed the consequences of that one step. On the left, he was distanced from his wife and kids, and then eventually left them. In the other, he played with his daughters, brought his wife flowers, and played an active role in the home.

My heart ached as I watched this video. In the left I saw, in many ways, my dad. His frequent distance from us growing up, leading to my parents divorce after much abuse. Emotional, physical, verbal... This haunted me. Fear struck me, as again I worried about making sure I choose the right person. I couldn't bear that happening to me. More than falling, that is my greatest fear.

In the right, I saw my greatest hope. Somehow finding a righteous priesthood holder that would love and respect me, play with his children, read them stories, bring me flowers and kiss me and pray with me, and be there for me.

The scariest part about it is, really, the wife had no control over his decision. It's all up to him. Something seemingly so small can become so shattering, depending on the choice made in the moment. 

I'm so scared. I'm in love with this amazing man, and yet when I saw this movie it brought back fears that I should have already let go. And all of a sudden, "What if" came to mind. What if I do get married and this happens? Fear is crippling. It makes me unsure of love, doubtful, scared. Which brings back walls that I've been working on breaking down. I don't want to bring walls up between me & my boyfriend...

I really need to learn how to let go of this fear...

Inspiration for This Blog

Think about this.

The person you are going to marry is walking the Earth at this very second.

That thought alone should give you hope to continue each and every day, knowing someone, somewhere is completely in love with you, even if you both don't know it yet. 

 

 

That thought is one of the thoughts that inspired me to start this blog.  Somewhere out there, you are living your life, loving me. Even if you don't know it yet. So I'm writing to you, letting you know in a simple way that I love you already. And I've always been trying to tell you I love you since I was little. I just can't wait until we can find each other :)

... if I haven't already found you, I will. I promise.

Maybe, Possibly, In Love

Dear Prince Charming,

So, I don't know if I have really found you or not, but I like to hope so. I think I'm falling in love, if not already in love. If it's not you, there's one killer heartache ahead of me. I'm not addressing it to the guy I'm dating right now though. If he's not you, then think of this as one of the people leading me to you, I guess.

I met this guy at a Stake Dance we were both crashing. It's been over a month since I met him. We've been on a date every week since then, and just recently he asked me if I'd be his girlfriend. He's my first kiss and, honestly, I think if he asked me to marry him, I'd say yes.

He's an RM, a hard worker, holds a current temple recommend, and has many of the traits I've discovered that I'm attracted to along the way.

It may not be you. But I'm taking a chance. I'll never find you if I never take chances. So, here's to hoping that I may have found you.

If not, the girl that ends up with this guy will be VERY happy.

Love,

Your Princess
A Damsel In Dating